The Stubby Can Save Canada | A Hero's Tale
Post 83 | "Coo loo coo coo, coo coo coo coo"
Need a break from elections, tariffs and global mayhem? Me too. Hope you enjoy this lighthearted piece.
Throughout history, heroes have come in many forms. Some of the greatest tales like David & Goliath feature an unassuming character rising up against the odds.
This is one such story – of what can be.
We talk regularly of Canada’s challenging circumstances with our economy on the skids, fallen GDP, sky high cost of living, productivity in the tank, key industries stagnant, investment moribund and growth at a standstill. The latest pressure from our south threatens to stall us further.
In parallel, national pride has fallen to historic lows, while our sovereignty and nationhood are threatened.
Added to this, we have a burgeoning national unity pickle on our hands - with regional, generational and socio-economic discord all raising their heads.
It’s been a rough decade.
Yet for all the talk of our being in the midst of a pivotal election where everything is on the table, what will be the spark to alight our economy, unite citizens and rebuild Canada’s global reputation? Maybe our destiny is yet to be found as an energy powerhouse or we’ll stumble on the secret sauce to again make us a proud and powerful nation at home while respected worldwide.
But I have heard no grand vision to take us over the top.
So, into this void steps Pragmatic Canadian with a big idea!
What Canada needs is a non-partisan movement. Something simultaneously pragmatic, symbolic and patriotic.
Yeah – I understand the Elbows Up thing playing on hockey nostalgia. But it feels forced and won’t gain universal appeal when pushed by a politician from his salad days. And it’s not very practical, is it? I mean, what exactly are we supposed to do with that slogan?
On the other hand, Buy Canadian is more rooted in pragmatism and I hope to see it continue long past this tariff soap opera. But despite the built-in patriotism, it doesn’t stir the soul.
Seems to me that a Make Canadian movement would be more effective, since lack of productivity is a key driver of our disrepair. We cannot just a buyer be.
Canada must produce and sell more. Build not just consume. Lead not just follow. Show the way through action while reflecting greatness of the past.
And that’s where my idea finds a home.
First, some background.
Somewhere in late grade school I saw SCTV for the first time while babysitting for a neighbour. It was the weirdest and most awesome television I’d ever watched, though not a high bar given home had a black and white set that pulled in two and a half channels if you properly crinkled the tin foil. It was only a few years later I saw my first Great White North sketch with Bob & Doug McKenzie, played by Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas as hoser brothers.
Story has it they improvised these short bits in response to a CBC demand for more Canadian content to meet CRTC’s CanCon regulations*. So, long before Seinfeld made a show about nothing or Wayne & Garth made a show about being excellent, we were treated to the McKenzie brothers talk of such riveting Canadiana as toques, back bacon, long underwear, ear muffs, beating the Soviets and of course, beer.
We laughed for its humour, simplicity and even a few nuggets of wisdom, little disturbed by the exaggerated caricature of our homeland.
[*In a perfect send-up, an early episode featured a scrolling disclaimer. “The Great White North, AKA “Kanadian Korner”, is produced in cooperation with the Canadian Television Board and the Canadian Development Corporation. The Great White North qualifies for 100 per cent Canadian Content under the rulings of the Canadian Radio and Television Commission and the Federal Ministry of Communication. There are four Americans who work on this show, but they all have landed immigrant status, and have signed CRTC affidavits swearing that they drink beer, eat bacon, drive snowmobiles and wear toques. Any resemblance between the Content of this program and the Content of any American program is purely coincidental and not the intention of the producers or the various Television Agencies of the Canadian government who have screened these programs prior to bulk erasing in accordance with the policies of the Federal Television Identity Board”]
In addition to a huge map of the Great White North behind them, central to the set was always a stack of Molson Canadian two-fours, full of…stubbies.
Introduced in 1961 after a history of Canadian beer served in growlers, bombers and quarts the stubby ruled our beer scene for more than two decades - a perfect bottle measuring 341 ml (12 oz). Named for its bulbous shape this little beauty played a lead role in my earliest youthful misadventures. It was at once tough, compact, stable, easy to stuff in a jacket pocket and comfortable to hold.
Perhaps the greatest testament to its ruggedness was Saturday morning bike rides gathering castoffs on rural roads with my brother. Rarely did we find a broken one while happily collecting from ditches and fields where they were flung after a Friday night side-of-the-road party - though Brewers Retail wasn’t thrilled to see us march through the door with our muddy loot looking for five cents a bottle.
Around this time, I saw my first American long neck bottle - whether on TV or in print, I cannot recall. But I distinctly remember it seeming an elegant and shapely thing, easy to dangle casually from a few fingers, and unattainable as Farrah Fawcett. Things from a far off land.
Adding to the mystique was the twist off cap, yet more forbidden fruit. The stubby’s pry off cap seemed archaic in comparison, though this Great White North episode explains it nicely.
Alas, the stubby’s demise and replacement by the Yankee bottle came on quickly - driven by industry’s incessant need for change and pressure from Ontario’s Beer Store (owned by Labatt and Molson) that made long neck bottles a requirement to sell any beer through their monopoly. By the mid-80s, the curtain fell on our iconic, Canadian stubby.
RIP!
Every so often I’ll reach into the back of our sparse liquor cabinet and retrieve my prized Molson Canadian stubby, still corked [proudly featured in the headline picture]. I will cradle it briefly, sigh wistfully for times past and return it to its place of honour.
As Don Cherry would say, “He’s a beauty”.
For this story I did some deep research, involving an online search followed by a visit to my local Beer Store and LCBO. After this extensive journalistic sleuthing l can confirm the following. Our provincial monopoly carries only two beers in stubby form – the Jamaican Red Stripe (a terrible beer unless you’re lying in a beach hammock in January) and a Belgian ale - but nothing Canadian. Apparently, some small breweries occasionally issue stubby batches but I cannot find any. Maybe you know of some?
In service to you, dear reader, I then conducted more immersive research by drinking that Belgian ale – purely to enhance my storytelling, of course. And I am pleased to report that just hefting that little bottle after all these years induced a small pang of nostalgia and visceral pleasure, even if it wasn’t a Canadian brew and not particularly tasty. Ah, but I took one for the team.
I can now circle back and tell you of my Canadian revival plan.
It is founded in the call to Bring Back the Stubby.
This will be key to Canada’s economic, social and international comeback. Here’s the rough sketch - a vision if you will, with policy to follow.
We’ll begin by growing our Canadian bottle making industry to uniquely manufacture this iconic design. We are currently a small player in the glass bottling world but that will grow as the stubby becomes our entry into the big leagues and business booms. I doubt government will see the early vision, so we may need a few wealthy Canadians to get things started and pony up investment for our bottling industry.
This will prime the pump as we inject the market with these beautiful bottles, led by a few innovative and patriotic brewers.
You will begin to see them at your local bar. Someone will order a stubby brew. You’ll be intrigued. Your synapses will fire. Memories will spark. Nostalgia will bloom. And before you know it, you’ll be buying rounds for everyone. The revolution will have begun!
Just as the younger generation discovered the wonders of vinyl records, wide legged jeans, Dylan and Def Leppard, they will catch on to the stubby as what’s old again becomes new. Influencers will post. It will meme. Momentum will do its job.
Canadian equipment companies will be in hot demand to re-tool bottling lines across the country, nay across the world, to accommodate the beautiful stubby. Only we will know how to make it work just right, and so dominate the market.
Government will come late to the party, but see the light and offer a 100% tax credit for Canadian brewers to rejig their facilities - the least they can do after throwing billions at foreign companies for EV plants unlikely to materialize.
The pry off cap will also make it’s proud re-entry as we ditch the lazy man’s twist off. We’ll see a jump in bottle opener production while giving us another Christmas stocking stuffer idea and corporate trade show tchotchke.
Dentistry will boom, as our certainty of still being able to open bottles with our teeth, and the proliferation of such nonsense on the web is met with inevitable results.
We’ll start seeing tell tale signs of stubby drinkers in the chipped edges of tables where a bottle opener is not yet bolted, while reviving the furniture refinishing business.
You might think drinking more beer would be bad for our health but Canadians will be in better shape than ever, as we again lug two-fours of heavy bottles rather than prancing about with lightweight cans.
The substantive clank of thick glass will sound across the land, replacing the tinny and soulless thunk of aluminum as Canadians toast with abandon. Joy will live again.
But we won’t stop with beer. We’ll bottle everything in stubbies – juice, energy drinks, iced tea, water, kombucha, baby formula, maple syrup - if it pours, we’ll bottle it. Just wait til we start on the non-consumables.
Environmentalists will rejoice as we push back the scourge of plastics clogging our waterways and landfills - dutifully recycling and remoulding our glass, while PET falls into distant memory.
And we shall not stop at our borders. Canada will create a global stubby revolution as we ship our bottles, beverages and equipment across the world - an economic renaissance.
Canadian breweries will flourish and become the belle of the ball, with international sales skyrocketing. What better to drink from a stubby than an authentic Canadian beverage? It simply tastes better.
Our international reputation will be burnished, countries will flock to trade with us, beg to invest in our industries and promise undying friendship and alliance.
No more lecturing from Canada on the global stage as the world once again respects our quiet diplomacy, reinforced each time they look upon the humble stubby and see in it the beauty, strength and goodness of Canada. Every international negotiation will begin with a toast of goodwill.
Each time a European, South American, Russian, African, Asian, Aussie or Kiwi raises a bottle in celebration, they will think fondly of Canada. Happiness will return, wars will abate, peace will flourish.
We will create jobs, stimulate industry, juice the GDP, supercharge productivity, rake in revenue, encourage investment and inspire something once again so utterly Canadian, that nothing will ever again put it asunder.
We will rekindle the wonders of yesteryear when life was simpler, while giving common touchstone to all Canadians despite region, age, race, religion, gender or socio-economic status.
Like our national bottle we will again be a rugged, tough and substantive people, hard to break, easy to abide and worthy of a toast.
But it won’t stop there. The stubby will graduate from being just a thing to a movement. It will transcend the noun form into a verb, where to stubby will become commonplace. Sky’s the limit, as anything can be stubbified.
When the Yanks come calling, wanting to be part of the cool crowd and partake of the world’s stubbification movement, we’ll politely tell them – “Take off, eh!”. Nope, so sorry. Stew in your isolationism and greed as the global stubby revolution moves along without you. Keep your thin-skinned, unstable, fragile long neck.
What do you think? Does this have legs to move us beyond our current morass?
In the spirit of non-partisanship, I offer this plan to whomever may govern and will assist however possible - even donate my treasured Molson Canadian stubby as mascot.
Sure, there are a few details yet to work out but I haven’t heard a better plan so far. Have you?
“G’day eh.”
Stay tuned and stay pragmatic.
Let’s do it
Yes! 😯🍻🍁
Got Stubbies?!